It's been a truth universally known (in my life...and P&P reference for you Jane Austen fans) that life seems to go fantastically for me when I am taking care of myself, and life seems to fall apart when I am not. It seems like a profound "duh" kind of realization, but I have always experienced this phenomenon, and it continues to be true in my life up till this day. My last post was about my amazing one-month Insanity results, and I was pretty much on the highest high. And after that, life seemed to take a downward spiral. It's been a rollercoaster really, and I'm learning to ride the ups and downs while trying to stay as positive as possible, and while trusting God through it all.
To say that I've had food issues throughout my life would be an understatement. I mean, it's really why I became a dietitian in the first place; to help people have a healthy relationship with food because mine was far from healthy. As I've written before, I've been through extreme restriction and extreme overeating my entire life. I've binged my way through entire workout programs with zero results to show for it, and I've also been able to lose 15 lbs in two weeks by obsessively counting calories and chewing gum to curb my hunger. I've always had a love-hate relationship with food, and have spent years, not only as an adolescent, but even as an adult, trying to rectify this relationship. I've always wanted to use food for my good and not my detriment, which is something I believe I have slowly learned over the years.
But we all have seasons of life, especially when we have a tendency to allow negative thought patterns and behaviors to take over. For the past 2 weeks, I have been fighting these negative thoughts, which have turned into unwanted behaviors. I've been feeling quite low, moody, and just plain DOWN. Blame it on hormones or on being a woman, or on turning 27 this past weekend (which was WAY harder than I anticipated lemme tell ya!) but I have just not been myself. And food has been my very best friend and worst enemy throughout these two weeks.
I've gained some weight back and I've undone some of my insanity progress. But at the same time, I've learned yet again how important it is to choose what I think about. To purposefully think about what is good and noble and thought-worthy as the Bible says. Because our thoughts can become habitual, which can manifest into actions, which in turn become habitual and very hard to break.
It's a little scary to get this all out there, but in all honesty, I still struggle with food. I struggle to not let it consume and control me. I struggle to eat enough, but at the same time to not eat the entire bag of oreos and chips and cookies...in one hour (oh yes, it's happened). I have a Wetzel's pretzels problem and am not ashamed to admit it...because HELLO, cinnamon sugar. 'Nuff said.
But, I am also a lover of vegetables. I am a workout fiend. I love to motivate and inspire others. I love to plan my meals. I LOVE the way healthy eating makes me feel. I love to take care of myself, because I know that life seems to just be smoother when I am striving to be the best version of myself. I know that this version of me, is the me that I want to be at all times. Which is why it is so hard for me when these dark seasons happen. These seasons can happen for all of us, but it is important to focus on the things in our lives that help us be grateful, that put hard times in perspective, that that will bring pure awesomeness into this life.
In conclusion, I messed up. I gained some weight. I had a birthday, and lots of parties and treats. I had many sleepless nights. And one too many down-in-the -dumps moments. But, I'm picking myself back up, and not letting the fear take over. I'm holding on to God because He is my hope through it all. I want to face these issues with the strength that God has given me and not let them take over who I was really and truly meant to be, a woman after God's own heart, and a woman who inspires others.
I want to be real with you all, because I am not perfect, I'm human, and I'm on this journey with you. I know that God is using what I am going through to make me stronger and that HE alone will help me face my fears and heal from the inside out.
If you have gone through the same things I have, I would love for you to reach out to me! Feel free to send me a message via the "contact me" tab or email me at TveenRD@gmail.com.